Thursday, September 23, 2010

My body is a wonderland(fill)

So. We are "officially" Trying to conceive. I hate this so much. I've been down this road called infertility too many times, each leaving me more and more angry at my body. Jakob was easy. Jakob was a very pleasant surprise. We started TTC again right after Jakes first birthday. Back then I was excited, and optimistic. This is before each month became something to dread. Each cycle that ended in failure a little stab in my heart. We finally saw a fertility specialist about a year after we first started. Right away they put me on clomid, watched my hormone levels and were very aggressive with treatment. Two cycles in we were pregnant with our twins, Stella Moon and Claire Delune. Around their first birthday we started trying again, this time agreeing to "see what happens" and not use fertility treatment. We were both at the stage of "if it happens it happens" Though secretly I was really wanting that fourth baby. 6 years of trying but not trying. And then Leta! I was thrilled! Each bout of morning sickness a small victory. Each craving a triumph. I watched as my belly grew, gloriously big. Oh how I loved that belly! I was so proud of it! We were so excited. Well, we all know how that story ended, and that's not really what this post is about. It's not about death. Or broken bones. It's about life. A new life? A new hope, new beginning.
People judge us wanting to try again. They think we are crazy. I know the "what if's" I know the risks. And I am willing to try this again. . Maybe it's selfishness, maybe it's insanity. I don't know, but I feel like I have to do this, am supposed to.
I am keeping my fingers crossed. I am doubtfully optimistic at this point.

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