Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Burning black holes in dark memories

It's been an unforgivably long time. I know. I've been busy helping mend broken bones and yes even broken hearts (my own).

That is not to say I'm "over it". Because we all know just how arrogant, and untrue that statement would be. No. I'll never be over Leta. But. But. I have reached an okay place. A place where it's not so dark and cold and scary. I've been to dead baby land, and I've built my own, our own castle here. I'll always be a resident, but for now, now I'm facing away from the pain. Now I'm looking towards the sun. I'm allowing the sun to beat it's tattoo upon my face once again. I'm allowing myself to see, feel and hear the beauty around me.

The weight of losing Leta, and yes it is a weight, The weight of losing her is still there. It's a part of the fabric that makes me. But now it's becoming a thread, a PART of me, but not the WHOLE of me. It's a black shimmery thread woven tightly against the other more brightly colored threads.

I cried in target one day. Lost it. I cried a little on Christmas thinking of all the should have beens. But I'm not the tear stained mess I was once. I'm a little less of a xanax covered mess, and more of a, well I'm not sure....But I think it's better. I hope it is.

I'm at a place in my grieving where I can listen to music again without crying. And that is a huge thing for me, music.

Today I have my Itunes playlist on, just randomly playing on the background as I go about my work.
When the song "Rise" by Eddie Vedder came on I stopped and listened. The words "Gonna rise up, find my direction magnetically" Stood out to me today. Because that is where I am. That is what I'm doing. I AM going to rise up. And instead of feeling my way blindly through this grief, I am going to FIND my direction. I have, I think started to find my way. This is part of my healing. This is part of me. I've tried to capture the beauty around me. I know how soon that beautiful things are lost and gone. This is me. This is my year in Photographs.


  1. So glad you are finding yourself in a better place. I hope that your kids are also on the mend (and stay that way!). Lovely photos!

  2. I'm glad you find yourself able to listen to music again. I remember that I couldn't bear to listen to very much at all the immediate aftermath of my daughter's death.

    I'm just listening to 'Rise' on the computer now as you've mentioned it. It's a lovely song and I feel certain that you will rise up.

    Leta herself, and losing Leta, will always be a part of you. But, as you say, not always the whole of you. I love your description of the black shimmery thread woven in amongst the rest.

  3. Oh and 'Rise' is playing in the background of all your beautiful photographs too!

  4. i'm really late commenting on this but i wanted to say i hope you're still doing ok and i'm glad you can listen to music again. thinking of you, and of Leta.

  5. I'm way late too, Megan. But I loved reading this post... it's so hopeful. Hope things are still going that way. Just wanted to let you know that I awarded you with a bloggy award on my blog. ((hugs and love))