Sunday, May 1, 2011

Healing theory. Or how to lose your mind in 434 days

I've been working on my healing theory. Trying to find new footing on unsolid ground. Lately, though you wouldn't know, I am DECIMATED with grief. Honestly if it were not for this zoloft/xanax combo I wouldn't get out of bed.
Sure, I paste a smile on and carry on, for the sake of my family. Mommy has to hold it together, as everyone else falls apart. But mommy is tired. Exhausted.
The smile, patience, and energy brought to you by zoloft.
But it's there. The grief monster. Right there under the surface. Trying to get out. Trying to strangle me. Trying to take me under, and suffocate me with its black tarry HURT. That punch in the gut, that take your breath away, that knowledge as you open your eyes every morning that you are existing on a planet without your child. Without your CHILD. The absolute MAGNITUDE of that. How do you swing your feet out of bed, rub your bleary, tear swollen eyes and get up? How do you BREATHE knowing that such a huge part of you is GONE? How have I, me, survived the past year? How am I still here, functioning? How will I continue in this world without Leta. How is my child dead, yet I am not?
How, why. What on earth? The loss is so complete, so ACHING. So cold. How am I not...I don't know.. Just. It's just too big.

4 comments:

  1. Oh I'm so sorry! I know just what you mean. You put on the happy face and pretend you're making it for the sake of your kids. The pain doesn't stop but others see the happy face and think you're OK. I hope you have family or friends who are there to help on the hardest days. And I'm here if you ever want to talk.

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  2. Annie, I always love when you comment :)
    I just read your latest posts, and am hoping right with you, love! I LOVE Mei-Mei's nickname, and really dig the name Lorraine. So much.
    Ps...I betcha somewhere along the line you and I are related ;) My ancestors came from Denmark after the church promised to pay their way. They were converted and were in one of the first handcart groups to the valley :)

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  3. I understand your pain of living without Leta... it is so overwhelming at times, such a dark blanket of grief that lays over all of our lives, and its unrelenting. I don't mean to be discouraging by telling you this, but I still have the blanket over me and its been 4yrs since Zoe died--its not so suffocating as it was for a long while and its not as overwhelming day to day, it ebbs and flows now, but its still there nonetheless... All I know to say is that I understand, and unfortunately its something that has to be lived through, felt in its entirety, and somehow integrated into our lives....but YUCK its just beyond awful on so many days. So sorry sweetie, big hugs to yo. Keep being honest, keep reaching out, the suport of others is vital (as you know!). Step by step, hour by hour, day by day....the days will keep turning into years and you will survive,you will do more than survive, just you wait and see--I think you ALREADY are its just too dark to see on some days. And we all have other circumstances that add to our grief, so be gentle and gracious with yourself. So glad to get the opportunity to know you better, we gotta all stick together! =) xoxo

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  4. I found your blog on faces of loss, faces of hope. I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my baby, Lily Katherine, who was stillborn at fullterm on March 16, 2010. It's good to find people who 'get it' in the blogging community. I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well; www.roseandherlily.blogspot.com

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