Sunday, October 10, 2010

Giant oozing suckfest of self pity

Today Autumn has come. The leaves have been turning for a while, but it's been HOT and miserable still. Today though, today Autumn is here. It's wet and crisp and breezy and cool. The sky is overcast, which makes me happy, because it reflects my heart which is overcast.

My heart is overcast and cold. Rainy. So it's Autumn. I love Autumn. Usually. But I don't really care. All I can see in the near future are "this time last year" days. This time last year I got pregnant. This time last year I was overjoyed, rich, blessed. Now, so much has been taken from us. I know we still have a lot. We have J, S, and C. I know. Thank God. But so much else was robbed. We lost a baby, but we lost a lot more. We lost our innocence. We lost our trust. We lost our will to... to what? I don't know. Believe that life isn't scary or sad or devastating?

Halloween is soon. I have always hated it, but this year, the year after the year, I want to hide under my covers till all the damn holidays have passed. I don't want to celebrate a trite holiday with candy and merriment. I want to do nothing. But I can't. I have to celebrate this piece of crap day with candy and costumes and a big fake smile.

I can't even think about Thanksgiving right now. I told Jim that we need to go away for Thanksgiving. To some out of the way crappy hotel. I want to make a point of ignoring Thanksgiving. I don't want to spend it with well meaning, but ignorant family. I want to do NOTHING. Last year I was sick as a dog cooking dinner for family. Sick but so HAPPY.

Christmas, the thought of it, paralyzes me. How do I celebrate. The year after year.
Dead baby land is a giant oozing suckfest, isn't it?


  1. I think getting away for Thanksgiving is a great idea. Whatever makes it easier and helps you through the hard time.

  2. I understand. I want to run away for christmas too. I want it to just not exist.

  3. It's almost an affront that Holidays, hell, DAYS carry on, ya know? Shouldn't everybody realize there are babies dead? Sometimes I want to scream so loud. So yeah, apparently, back to the anger stage of the grieving. Awesome.