I just returned from Church, the land, apparently of good fertility, based on the number of pregnant women who were carrying babies ( I mean, they had a baby in their arm and one in their belly). Perhaps I should rethink my "no drinking from drinking fountains" phobia, and start drinking the water there?
Whatever. I love Church, but hate it at the same time. I love the Gospel, the scriptures, the message. But it is HELL for me to be around so many fertile women who have no idea that it can all end so very tragically. And you know, I could be a total lunatic and shout it out, shout "Stop! Stop and enjoy every second, it's gone too soon. You might be the next victim!" But I'm planning on saving those gems for my later years, when I become the crazy bird feeding bag lady sitting on the library steps, creeping everyone out.
But I digress. What I want to really say here, and I've totally gotten off topic. What I have been thinking about. Does Leta see me? Is she here, somewhere close by watching me, shaking her head at how I've become this deranged selfish person in the last 8 months? Is she with me? Why don't I feel her? I didn't really know her. I never "met" her. Would I know if she was there? Does she know how very sad and destroyed we are? I am? Does she see my pain, my tears, my secret heartbreaking, pillow punching WAILING? Does she see her Mother falling apart?
I want to badly to put the pieces of my life back together. To assemble them all into their neat little slots, but the pieces are jagged and broken, and they just do not fit together, any longer. It's going to be, if I can ever do it, an amalgam of hurt, and trust broken, and betrayal. Perhaps, as the time passes I will add happy, and laughter, and joy. But it's going to be a puzzle smashed together, crammed with all this garbage, and hopefully someday, sprinkled with some sequins and glitter and bows to wrap up this hellish pit of desolation. To make something beautiful out of something hideously ugly.
I hope she sees that I try. Am trying. There is sunshine, and glitter and shiny things, I can see them, but cannot reach them yet. The summit is too far, and I have no energy nor will to climb out yet.